The Armchair Outfitter

For the last twenty-four years, I have hunted the opening-day weekend of the Tennessee dove season in the same place with the same people. Since junior high, my friend Trevor’s dad Houston has put on a big wing-ding at his house. Friends from Louisiana bring crab, shrimp, and oysters for a Friday-night feast, and Saturday night after the hunt we eat barbecued ribs. For my core group of friends, the ones I love even when we’re not on speaking terms, this hunt is the central ritual. Like the biblical Jubilee, the dove hunt ends all grievances, settles all debts. That’s the way it has always been . . . until now. People grew older, moved away, died, and for the first time I can remember, the dove hunt didn’t happen this year. Since I got the word, I’ve been feeling despondent and old. I haven’t had much interest in writing or in anything else. My friend Raimey says nothing is static, and the Sporting Wife says you can’t escape change; but I fear change, and in general, I am against it.

Raimey invited me to come and hunt the opening day of the Alabama season at Kirk’s farm. R.J. would be there also, and it would be a chance for the Kansas-trip hunters to reunite after I had to skip last year for work reasons. I accepted of course, and I was almost as anxious to see my “new” friends again as I would have been to see the old gang, but I was still a bit down in the mouth. Preparing my things for the trip, I found an old metal folding chair in the garage. This was one of the chairs used at the Tennessee dove hunt and inadvertently brought home in the back of my truck years ago. I decided to take the old chair to Kirk’s as a link to all of the Tennessee hunts.

The day of the hunt, we met in the field for barbecue sandwiches and cold drinks before legal shooting time began at noon. We all took our places, and both birds and lead were soon flying. I was using a side-by-side double that I’m not too familiar with yet, and for a while, I shot poorly. Everything seemed wrong. I don’t think I could have hit the ground with my hat. As the afternoon wore on, however, I began to relax. I tried to put my depression about the “glory days” out of my mind and focus on the present. I started having fun, and while I didn’t put on a Tom Knapp exhibition, birds were falling to my gun. Sitting on my metal chair in the blistering sun with a big stupid grin on my face, I didn’t feel any older than when I went on that first Tennessee hunt. No, you can’t escape change, but at just the right moment, you can stop time.

Waiting for birds to come over back in the glory days.

Hershey wants to see some birds too.

Apparently, dove hunting involves a lot of sticking out your tongue for Hershey and the Sporting Wife.

Someone on another outdoor blog (o.k. it was Field and Stream) recently posted a question regarding the songs you would choose if you could only have 20 for the entire hunting season. That got me to thinking about what I would pick for a hunting mix if I were limited to only 20. Hunting involves a lot of different settings and moods, from blasting down old logging roads on a 4-wheeler to relaxing with an adult beverage when the day is done. Let’s not forget those moments when one is alone to revel in all the glory of God’s creation either. For what it’s worth, here’s my list. Some of these choices are not P.C., but then again, neither am I.

Motivation:

1. “Search and Destroy” – The Stooges

2. “Feuer Frei” – Rammstein

3. “God Save the Queen” – Motorhead (cover)

4. “Rock Candy” – Montrose

5. “War Machine” – KISS

6. “Lonely is the Night” – Billy Squier

7. “Rock Superstar” – Cypress Hill

8. “Volcano Girls” – Veruca Salt

9. “Cowboys from Hell” – Pantera

10. “Are You Experienced?” – Jimi Hendrix

Relaxation:

11. “Cedartown, Georgia” – Waylon Jennings

12. “Legalize It” – Peter Tosh

13. “1952 Vincent Black Lightning” – Richard Thompson

14. “What Made Milwaukee Famous” – Jerry Lee Lewis

15. “Stoned at the Jukebox” – Hank Williams, Jr.

16. “Gin and Juice” – The Gourds (cover)

17. “In My Own Mind” – Lyle Lovett

Inspiration:

18. “Mission Temple Fireworks Stand” – Paul Thorn

19. “The Eagle and the Hawk” – John Denver

20. “Love is My Religion” – Ziggy Marley

I realize that your list will be different from mine. If I thought about it for 15 more minutes, mine would probably change too. That’s why editors love topics like this. I fully expect to get, “Why would you ever pick . . . ” or “How could you leave out . . . .” Fire away.

Between a 40-plus-hour a week job and the blistering Alabama sun, the ARB bull bar install turned into a much longer project than I had hoped. There is also some slanderous talk floating around to the effect that I went fishing when I should have been working on it. Honestly, have you people no shame? Nevertheless, an hour here and two hours there, I dutifully forged ahead.

In order to access the factory bumper bar, you must first loosen the plastic bumper cover.

There are small screws inside the fender well that join the bumper cover to the bumper bar inside.

More screws connect the bumper cover to the plastic wheel well liner.

Next, it’s time to go underneath and remove the row of screws across the bottom.

Once the screws are out, it’s time to start looking for the four bolts that hold the bumper bar onto aluminum mounting brackets that are in turn attached to the frame.

The bolts you’re looking for are the ones to the left in the next photo. Like most of the fasteners you will encounter from this point forward, they are metric. Thanks a load, Ben Franklin! The ones in the right foreground come out also, but don’t loosen them yet.

Once you start working on these bolts, things will get moving. If you’re not ready, this may not be a good thing. Time to deploy the jack stands. This is especially important if you are working on this project without a buddy to hold the whole works in place while you’re torquing on it.

There are two nuts on the inside outboard face. These are the last fasteners to remove before you should be able to slide the bumper out a little. Don’t pull it all the way off; there are fittings you need to disconnect first.

If you’ve gotten this far in one session, it’s probably time for the old “cold wrench.” Get out from under the truck first and then enjoy.