46,382,971.6 grains?

On a recent work trip to Montgomery, AL, I walked out of my hotel to see this bad ride idling under the canopy.  My brothers and sisters, I was tempted beyond all reason.  I have had my eye on a 3500 HD Duramax for some time, and the Federal Premium graphics would have been a nice bonus.  Fortunately, what Lincoln would have called the better angels of my nature prevailed, and I remain at large.  I guess I spent enough time at the county jail during my nine years of criminal trial practice.  I did loiter though, in hopes of meeting the lucky driver, but I neither made contact nor received a citation.

In order to access the factory bumper bar, you must first loosen the plastic bumper cover.

There are small screws inside the fender well that join the bumper cover to the bumper bar inside.

More screws connect the bumper cover to the plastic wheel well liner.

Next, it’s time to go underneath and remove the row of screws across the bottom.

Once the screws are out, it’s time to start looking for the four bolts that hold the bumper bar onto aluminum mounting brackets that are in turn attached to the frame.

The bolts you’re looking for are the ones to the left in the next photo. Like most of the fasteners you will encounter from this point forward, they are metric. Thanks a load, Ben Franklin! The ones in the right foreground come out also, but don’t loosen them yet.

Once you start working on these bolts, things will get moving. If you’re not ready, this may not be a good thing. Time to deploy the jack stands. This is especially important if you are working on this project without a buddy to hold the whole works in place while you’re torquing on it.

There are two nuts on the inside outboard face. These are the last fasteners to remove before you should be able to slide the bumper out a little. Don’t pull it all the way off; there are fittings you need to disconnect first.

If you’ve gotten this far in one session, it’s probably time for the old “cold wrench.” Get out from under the truck first and then enjoy.

The bull bar install begins with removal of the old brush guard. There are retainer clips under the hood that help to stabilize the upper part of the bar. Phillips-head screws hold the clips in place.

There are also retainer clips on the sides bolted upward into the bar. Thanks to the accident, I only had to remove one.

To get to the mounting bolts, you must remove the bumper pads. A flathead screwdriver works fine to get the necessary purchase.

A stout breaker bar helps to get the bolts moving. They are 14mm metric fasteners, by the way, and don’t think you can just run them all the way out and pull the guard off the bumper. That would be way too easy.

No, there is a nylon lock nut on the back of each bolt, and once you get the bolt moving, you have to lie underneath the vehicle, reach up into a blind area behind the plastic bumper cover and air dam, cut your hands several times, say some choice swear words, and hold the nut whilst turning the bolt. Gentle reader, I shall spare you any photographs of that ordeal.

Let me add, be ready if you jerk that bolt out while you are underneath the bar. The thing is heavier than it looks. A well-placed knee will prevent a concussion when you free the bar, or you can do what I did and use a stubby 14mm box wrench to hold the nut in place. There is not room enough for the wrench to make a complete turn, so if you hold your mouth right and continue to swear softly, the whole works will fall out the bottom of the bumper when you work the nut all the way off the bolt.

Here’s where you should end up, and you’re now ready to follow the instructions ARB provides with the bull bar. More to come as the project continues . . .

The Sporting Wife and I attempted that particular mudhole three times before being winched out. Were we not on street tires, I feel certain we would have made it. A tractor sunk to the axles in the same hole was not so lucky. In our defense, we put the headlights underwater before we gave up on it.

The Sporting Wife will have to take credit for the Land Rover purchase. I had a 1995 Jeep Wrangler with B.F. Goodrich Radial Mud Terrains on it that carried us many happy miles when we lived further north, but when we made our permanent migration to the sea, I had to take a job that came with an hour commute each way. The tires were brutal at highway speed, my factory soft-top was starting to disintegrate, and the last straw for the missus, the air conditioning went out completely. After watching me struggle under the dash trying to replace the fan motor, she asked, “Is there not any vehicle that would induce you to trade in that Jeep?” I jokingly said, “Sure, a Land Rover,” and by golly she found one and made the deal. After about an hour of negotiation and paperwork at the dealership, I purchased my first British motorcar.

Here she is enjoying our purchase:

Even on the street tires, we drove out of that muck. The Landy, as our British friends call them, is a shockingly capable off-road vehicle. Do the words “full-time four wheel drive” give you any idea what I’m saying? I don’t mean an “all-wheel drive” system where the fronts or rears will engage when the other wheels start to slip, I mean all four tires are engaged and turning all the time. This is the case even on pavement, so gas mileage suffers and tire wear is accelerated accordingly. With a curb weight of 4,853 pounds, it is not exactly sprightly. That said, it walks across obstacles I used to blast through in my Jeep. Sure, I’ve heard jokes like this one: A group of Land Rover owners and a group of Jeep owners met at the trailhead. One of the Landy drivers said to a Jeep owner, “You shall follow us on the trail.” The Jeepster quickly replied, “Then we will follow a trail of the finest British motorcar parts and fluids.”

We didn’t get out of this hole without help, but after all, we were sitting on the frame. Even the mighty Wrangler couldn’t have overcome that one. My personal experience with the “Disco,” as Rover types call the Discovery models, has been overwhelmingly positive. Sure, repairs are horrendously expensive, but this is a vehicle I can see myself keeping for a long time. Those leather seats are comfy after a long day on the deer stand, and the wood dash inlay provides a great smooth surface for spreading out a topo map. Seriously, I don’t guess I need a lot of the features of my Disco, but they sure are nice to have in a vehicle that is also rock solid off the pavement.

A parking lot accident has me needing to repair the brush guard and front bumper. The S.W. drove the Rover to work one day, as she is wont to do, and someone backed into her at a pretty good clip. Incidentally, the damage to the Rover is barely noticeable, and the other vehicle looks like it centered a telephone pole. Rather than use the exorbitantly expensive factory replacement parts and pay the stealership for labor, I’ve opted to go with an integrated ARB bull bar and winch bumper. I would also install a Warn winch, but the insurance money would not have covered it, and I didn’t try to gouge them. Take that, lawyer-haters! I’ll post pics of the install as I go.