I agree that there is no need to look for Hellanback, GA, a map. The reason is that it is extremely easy to find without one. All you need to do is go to the Middleofnowhere, AL, and take a left. From there you go straight to Endoftheearth, FL, and then proceed north.

As you pass Getyour Freeliquor, GA, (Do not stop here. This is a ploy to distract people fleeing New Orleans or traveling from Atlanta.) Take the hwy to your right. It is a small dirt road but soon opens up to a paved 4 lane with all curves banked at least 20 degrees. You will know it is correct if you pass the “No Taxes Beyond this Point” sign. You will note there are no troopers, as the speed limit has been ignored for years. If you do not have an open container or a loaded weapon, these will be issued at the “No Pay Gas Station” located on your right just past the aforementioned sign. As you are traveling towards Gods Kuntrey, GA, you will likely notice that all buildings are located on the right except Law Offices/Port-A-Potties. This is due to the extreme positive influence of Republicanism.

You will see a large lake with multiple bass waiting to jump in your truck. (Note: If you do not have a truck you should have never started the trip.) DO NOT STOP for the bass, they are actually small decoy bass weighing only 7 to 10 pounds and are not worth the delay. (Many Yankees and City Folks never make it past this spot, so be careful.) As you pass thru Gods Kuntrey be aware that the whitetail bucks are always in rut and may stand on the side of the road and stare at you. Ignore them, as those only score 145 to 165 and like the bass, they are just decoys.

At southern end of Gods Kuntrey town square is the “If We Don’t Got It You Don’t Need It” sporting goods and gentlemen’s club. (This is where you buy Fish Scalers.) Go in and ask for Big Jim. He will direct you to Hellanback as long as you have your NRA, NWTF, QDMA, and BASS cards, and a Lifetime Hunting/Fishing photo ID with you. The process goes better if you can document a few hunting and fishing trips with a couple of pictures. If you are a registered Democrat, then he will direct you back home because you must be lost. You will be placed on a chartered bus so you can listen to Fox News and watch Ted Nugent interviews and Ronald Reagan speeches as your entertainment. Any hint that you are a card carrying member of the ACLU or PETA, and he will direct you the fast paced survival program. (I am not certain why they call it fast paced because the liberals that go in are never seen again.)

The larger bass and most of the bucks scoring over 170 are found at the free hunting and fishing resort in “downtown” Hellanback next to the Open Bar and Sample It Free Steak House. (It is easy to see because it is just across from Small Island Nation Cigar Shop that marks the “Unmarked but Well Lit Airport” as named by local fishermen in memory of the city founders and early financiers.)

Anyway, it was nice for you to visit, and with Uncle Gus churning in the Gulf, I am certain the forecast is for 1 to 2 so we can go fishing anytime. I like Hellanback, I just can not put my finger on why.

One of the most interesting aspects of offshore fishing is observing the various species of marine life. There never seems to be time, however, to get the camera out of the dry-box to take a few photos. In this case, it’s probably just as well. We were already in enough trouble with the management for coming in late. Photographic evidence would only add fuel to the fire.

I realize you’re trying to sucker me in with that 1′-2′ stuff. It won’t work again! Well, it probably will if past experience is any indicator. Thanks for a great trip, and explain to us for an upcoming story the barracuda technique you have allegedly perfected.